


taller

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, References to Depression, rainy day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 05:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12857394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Baz defeats the rain.





	taller

I'm drowning. I'm drowning, and I can't save myself.

Quite an ironic way to die for someone forged from fire. An ironic way to die for someone hopelessly in love with Simon Snow.

I should be burning because he is the sun. I should freeze to death because his name is Snow. But no – out of all things, I'm drowning. I stand completely still as the water pours down on me and let it devour me, because at least I'm not burning any more.

It's just too much. It's all too much. I don't want to do it any more, I don't want to glow up, he's too hot, he's too bright, he's too much.

I'm standing on the lawn outside of Watford, and it's raining. There's dark and hateful thoughts in my head, but they're not directed at Snow, they're directed at myself. There's dark, gloomy feelings lurking in my heart, and I'm drowning in them.

I can't breathe.

I can't see, it's too dark.

It hurts too much.

I break away and lean down into the wet grass. Then I curl myself up into a ball, to make myself as small as possible. When everything around me is too much, I have to make myself less. Make room for it.

I lay low, still, silent. It's impossible to get up and carry on. I press myself together tighter and wish I could turn into a puddle of water and vanish into the ground. Vanishing into thin air. It's a spell, and you're not supposed to cast it on humans, but in this moment, I'm considering it.

I'll make myself smaller and smaller until there's nothing left.

My mother would be so disappointed in me. Baz Pitch, defeated, by a little rain.

_You're just being dramatic._

Well, maybe I am. What's wrong with a little drama? But I know that she would want me to get up. She wouldn't want me to be small. No, she would want me to rise above it all and be grand.

I don't have any problems with being a disappointment to myself, but I can't disappoint her.

I can't lay low.

I'm Natasha Pitch's son. She was a miracle worker. Maybe she would've worked a miracle on me, too. No. I can't wait for anyone to save me. Not for my mother, not for my family, and certainly not for Simon Snow.

Drowning is easy when you're soaked with water. Swimming is hard. I listen to the sound of the rain for a moment. I can't keep carrying on. But I can't give up either. I'm so tired. I want to let the voices, the hatred, the water win. Instead, I stand up, slowly.

_I'm sorry, Mother. I won't do this any more._

I feel like my shadow is growing and growing until it's big enough to scare my demons away. Maybe it's magic. Maybe I've just gone insane. But I won't be small any longer.

My step is lighter when I walk up the stairs to the mummers house. I don't stop when I walk into our room. _Drowning, drowning._

Simon Snow is standing there. I'm taller than him.

I walk towards him and don't hesitate. I take his face in my hands and kiss him.

I pull him towards me as hard as I can.

I'm breathing, breathing and breathing again.

 


End file.
